Disordered Minds: Personal diary of an eating disorder (recovered,mostly)

 


My eating disorder is irregular.

I don’t know how else to talk about my eating disorder because it doesn’t really feel like one.. I eat a good range of foods, fruits, vegetables protein ..all of the food groups..yes, I have bad days and good days but really.. I guess I eat a lot.I’m a big lover of food, I work out a lot and I love it!

However …once every few months, sometimes just a few times a year I will feel bad about something and resort to purging. I’ll then do it for a few days after the first incident, then remember I’ve conquered this before and I won’t go through this again.

Now, that doesn’t explain me! So I can’t have it, WRONG, EDNOS is a mixture of many types of behaviours, so even if I don’t over eat it still means I have an eating disorder. I worry that it is going undiagnosed in women because they believe there are only a few types, EDNOS is a type of eating disorder as it carries the traits of them.
I eat 1600-2100 calories, normally around 1900.
I Exercise, not religiously but I try to get in 4 sessions of 45 mins a week. I don’t purge from eating excessively, I just do it If I’ve realised “I didn’t need to eat that”.

I do feel awful If I eat badly or don’t exercise and yes my world feels like it’s collapsing if I F**K up and don’t workout and eat bad.I thought that was normal?  Normality isn’t that. It’s taking the step and saying no to the food before hand and if you slip up, you just take it, you learn from it and you don’t do it again.

Find out more about EDNOS here. Personal story about my EDNOS

This next bit is getting a bit more personal but I want to get it off my chest.

I missed my sisters wedding because I was too sick.
 

I mean sick,mentally..and physically I guess. My sister got married in 2013, I’d been ‘free’ from bulimia for a year at the point. However, I’d I fuelled the fire by wanting to be slim for my sisters wedding and hen night so it pushed me one peg too far and caused my Bulimic again the month before, for the hen night.
Over that month I’d gone down from 9st 11 to  9st 5 (from lack of food) not exercise. 

The hen night came up and remember spending weeks trying to find something that showed off my body. I wanted to impress and feel good about myself. That’s all I ever wanted.

The day before, in a mad rush to find some clothing that actually fit me, I managed to find an Ā£8.50 tight black maxi-dress and felt amazing, no lumps or bumps sticking out and I had compliments coming from everywhere, aunts, cousins..strangers! I’d never felt that before, never had felt like the ‘beautiful’ one.  

I’d been heavy my whole life and It was the best feeling in the world and the start of a very long journey to learning about nutrition and dietary needs, sports recovery and eventually to a healthy life with no worries.

This photo (Right – Wearing a sash) makes me miserable. I look at it now and I know, exactly what I had gone through, what I was feeling and yet, I looked so happy. I guess, in a way I was, I’d had compliments and I was with my family on a really happy occasion. I was happy right up until I realised I’d just stuffed 2,000 calories into my face in one sitting. I was happy until I finished that bowl of ice cream, cake and sweets.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I walked up the marble staircase to the ladies loos. The lighting was dim and it made the whole atmosphere awful, me walking up the staircase, the whole time hating what I was about to do. Hoping, praying no one would be in the toilets, no one would look at me and be able to guess what I was doing. Noone would see me come out red faced, what would I say? Should I say I’m ill? or that I feel too warm? Should I flush first to create sound? No no, If they ask..I’ll just play the ‘drunk’ card.

No no, If they ask..I’ll just play the ‘drunk’ card.

All of this shouldn’t have weighed me down that night, but that’s what an illness does, it takes over your thoughts. It was my sisters Hen night for god sake. It should have been filled with laughter and happyness but It did weight me down, it made me feel guilty and dumb. It made me feel awful, the bright pink frothy vomit from the ridiculously big bowls of ice cream was now staring right at me and I felt relieved and saddened, I’m back to this again…

Wondering why I’d gotten myself into a place where food was no longer my friend.

We continued the night and I was fine after that, after all.. I was slim and food free, I didn’t need anything else. I sat in that comedy club,smiling at every joke trying to be part of the group but inside, I was miserable.

Her wedding day was beautiful.

My beautiful sister got ready at home, I helped her dress and do her hair we sipped champagne and had a good morning.. but this was 2 weeks after the hen night and I’d spent days gaining weight. You can’t see too much from the image ( 2nd in on the left).  I was now 9st 10 again and had been purging for 2 weeks straight! I’d given myself;

  • fever,hot and cold flashes,
  • sensitivity to light,
  • achy bones,
  • bad breath,
  • terrible mood swings,

 was exhausted and I could barely focus… All symptoms of an eating disorder but no remedies. No over the counter pill or hot soup could make this any better.

I felt drunk for the whole day. I managed to panikiller up and take some cold and flu tablets, I remained ‘stable’ until 4 pm. After the ceremony, I’d tried to nap in the car. I really couldn’t stay awake, nothing I did was making keeping me upright. I took my heels off and spent most of the night in a pair of work shoes I had left in the car – I couldn’t walk, the achy bones had gotten to me. We continued with the day, every step was exhausting but I smiled, for her. My beautiful big sister.

I distinctly remember someone offering me flu tablets on the night time, they must’ve noticed I was in bad shape. So I took two. I can’t for the life of me remember who it was but I remember smiling as best I could at my mum, who was getting a bit ‘fed up’ with my attitude and was trying her best to get me to dance.

So I scuttled away and sat down to the table and took the tablets, I continued to eat my curry and chips. To get something in my body that wasn’t tablets and champagne. With the sore throat and illnesses I had collected I was really pushing it, I coughed so hard I was sick into my napkin. Bloody great. Another gift from my bodies worst best friend. My body had the reflex to throw up, since that’s what it had been doing for weeks straight.  When I jerked forward (from coughing),’ I excused myself to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and braced myself for the long night a head….

I wish I could remember more of it,
  but my own stupid vanity caused me to be
   too ill to enjoy my sisters wedding.
Amylogo
 
*Note/Update*
It’s December 9th 2015 today and I’ve not ‘purged’ in 6 months. I am by no means recovered, I probably never will be, each day is a new challenge but I’ve taught myself how to eat so I never feel out of control. I occasionally treat myself and those are the challenging times, but I’m really happy with my recovery this far*
 
 
 

18 Comments

  1. Hello Beautiful Bear
    10/04/2016 / 7:14 pm

    This is such a brave post, well done for sharing and I’m sure this will help others in the same boat. Don’t dwell on what’s happened though lovely, you’ve got it out now and down on (hypothetical) paper so I hope it’s been theraputic for you X X

  2. Hello Beautiful Bear
    10/04/2016 / 7:14 pm

    This is such a brave post, well done for sharing and I’m sure this will help others in the same boat. Don’t dwell on what’s happened though lovely, you’ve got it out now and down on (hypothetical) paper so I hope it’s been theraputic for you X X

  3. 10/04/2016 / 5:13 pm

    Well done for having the courage to talk about something a lot of people are really scared to come forward about.

  4. 10/04/2016 / 5:13 pm

    Well done for having the courage to talk about something a lot of people are really scared to come forward about.

  5. 10/04/2016 / 4:20 pm

    You are so brave to share your story, I used to have a condition not dissimilar and although I know I could always relapse it good to look back at how far you have come. Keep fighting, i know you’ll win xxx

  6. 10/04/2016 / 4:20 pm

    You are so brave to share your story, I used to have a condition not dissimilar and although I know I could always relapse it good to look back at how far you have come. Keep fighting, i know you’ll win xxx

  7. 09/04/2016 / 6:45 pm

    What a brave post – well done for sharing this, you are so impressive for doing so well! H x

  8. 09/04/2016 / 6:45 pm

    What a brave post – well done for sharing this, you are so impressive for doing so well! H x

  9. 09/04/2016 / 5:07 pm

    It’s very brave to talk through all of this and each day that you don’t purge is a huge achievement so you should be constantly proud of yourself. You always know where I am if you feel the need to rant! x

  10. 09/04/2016 / 5:07 pm

    It’s very brave to talk through all of this and each day that you don’t purge is a huge achievement so you should be constantly proud of yourself. You always know where I am if you feel the need to rant! x

  11. 08/04/2016 / 9:28 pm

    So many suffer from these sorts of conditions but are afraid to talk about them. You are very brave for writing about this and hopefully it will be of help to others suffering from the condition.

  12. 08/04/2016 / 9:28 pm

    So many suffer from these sorts of conditions but are afraid to talk about them. You are very brave for writing about this and hopefully it will be of help to others suffering from the condition.

  13. 08/04/2016 / 8:48 pm

    Well done for speaking out about this! Eating disorders affect so many people.

    P.S. Well done for your clean streak šŸ™‚

    • 08/04/2016 / 8:56 pm

      Thank you Natasha, for taking the time to comment! šŸ™‚

  14. 08/04/2016 / 8:48 pm

    Well done for speaking out about this! Eating disorders affect so many people.

    P.S. Well done for your clean streak šŸ™‚

    • 08/04/2016 / 8:56 pm

      Thank you Natasha, for taking the time to comment! šŸ™‚

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