A true friend.. | A true story.

Firstly, can I say, this is the first personal post I’ve written on here in about a year and a half and It feels so good to be writing passionately again. It’s not at all health and fitness related, unless you count expressing your feelings as a form of health? No?..well, moving on..

So, friday night and I was in one of those moods again (Drama!) sorry.

So I wrote a little poem out of upset, and then the description, i’m such a depressive, I’m sorry if this puts you in a raw mood,It’s really not a very good poem either, but I could barely see..tears everywhere.. seriously. It was awful, normally I’m in the shower so I can just cry it out.

I go through these moods..where I get really upset with myself and think about the past. I always get stuck and I think of one person… to me? She was so much more than I had thought at the time..

Maybe the time has strengthened the weak image of our friendship in my mind? Maybe she doesn’t think of me as a friend..but she was to me.. she was awesome, the best & I was a dreadful friend, selfish and posessive the whole way through, but especially to the end, I was young, yes, but hindsight’s a bitch isn’t it?

(See below the poem for an understanding of what it all means, hidden messages and all that.)

______

To, You

So I’m sitting here, wondering if you think about me..
Knowing that I just can’t stop thinking about you (trust me I’ve tried).
It mostly comes on when I’m on long distant drives, or If can’t sleep ..
It’s gotten less frequent over time, but really? I still think of you.

You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved,
You were my teacher & sister,

-The picture is of me five years ago, which is why I look different,
it seemed wrong to use an image of anything else

I still miss you.
You were my best friend and my sense,
I still miss you.
We were so similar and so different,
all wrapped up in a teen mess.

I think about you,
Did you go to college?
I recently saw the snaps,
Did you pass your degree?
I wanted to be there for you,
How’s you sister?
I saw that she looks just like you.

Do you remember the green dresses?
I still want you there…
It worries me most,you know?
being without you on my big day.
I only ever wanted you,
You’d be standing by my side.

I may have been dumb and immature but I always needed you,
I lost my way, I still miss you.
I think about our time together,
I never thought we were unbreakable..
I just didn’t think we would break.
I was so scared after you left me, after I left you.

You probably didn’t think of me,
I mean, I try not to think of you..
It hurts like I lost a piece of me,
like seven years of my life.

I’ve wanted to reach out to you,
but did you ever miss me?

From, Me.
____________________________________________________

I wrote this because, I was upset.. I thought it’d help my emotions..it didn’t it made me worse..tears everywhere..realising I must be the worst person in the world for someone to just give up on me.

Here’re the details:

I can’t help but get upset over the thought that she hasn’t been there through my experiences, when I needed someone to cry on… because I made mistakes, mistakes that she would’ve said “I told you!”.
So to make myself feel better, I write and alot of the time it’s about her, mostly I disguise it as anger or as a love story but I rarely, If ever publish it. It’s why I started this blog in the first place, so I could put those angry/hurt feelings into one place.. maybe she’s seen it? I just don’t know…and I’m the kind of person who reads the last page of a book first, I just have to know.

But, alas, I just couldn’t stop searching for her, Shall I set the scene abit more?

 Have you guys watched the film bridesmaids?
 It’s about a two best friends, one is enganged and they all go out to celebrate, the main character meets the brides newest friend, who is rich and way more impressive and..she panics, she worries she’s losing her friend so everything she does she does to win her best friend over and prove that she’s the better friend.. it obviously backfires. Well, that’s what happened to me.

I don’t want to go into details as it’s in the past, but an arguement came about with this other friend and instead of being the bigger person and moving past it, I retreated and with drew, obviously my best friend didn’t really understand why at the time (she was moving) so I think it all just wen’t wrong really quickly, tensions were high already and my withdrawing at the end of our final year just didn’t go well..

Either way,
I found her recently on Instagram and for the past few months I’ve had to stop myself from messaging her, from even looking her up or stalking her. I’ve not done that, let’s get that clear.
She wanted her space and I’ve obliged whole heartedly, I just get these moments where

I need to know she’s ok.

I disguised the poem as a love poem because friendship is love, it’s a strong bond that people have, there’s a few lines in it that explain, we had made plans to be eachothers bridesmaids.. I think that’s the thing that upsets me most.
When ever I get to my anniversary I worry that I’ll be getting married soon and there won’t be a surprise of her on my hen night, I’ve had so many thoughts that my partner will ring her up and ask her to attend the wedding..what if she doesn’t know? What if he doesn’t ask her?
She was such an important part of my life and for 10 years I’ve imagined her being my bridesmaid, It would be wrong if she wasn’t there.

My new friends have told me not to be so stupid and leave her be but I can’t, I just want to let her know..
that I’m sorry for not standing up for myself and for expecting her to do it for me,I’m sorry that I let an argument with someone else get in the way of our friendship,I only ever wanted to say sorry and thank you.

If I had known then how much it would have changed me I wouldn’t have let my stubbornness get in the way, I’ve always wanted to prove that I’m right.. always, but she was leaving and I panicked.

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Now, if this post hasn’t completely ruined your day, or your opinion of me as a writer, guide or blogger..
Then I’d really appreciate a like or comment, even a story of someone you lost, someone you never had? It’s good to share & I’d love to read them.

I also made a YouTube account for foodie tips and reviews: My latest is..

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