I don’t know how else to talk about my eating disorder because it doesn’t really feel like one.. I eat a good range of foods, fruits, vegetables protein ..all of the food groups..yes, I have bad days and good days but really.. I guess I eat a lot.I’m a big lover of food, I work out a lot and I love it!

However …once every few months, sometimes just a few times a year I will feel bad about something and resort to purging. I’ll then do it for a few days after the first incident, then remember I’ve conquered this before and I won’t go through this again.

Now, that doesn’t explain me! So I can’t have it, WRONG, EDNOS is a mixture of many types of behaviours, so even if I don’t over eat it still means I have an eating disorder. I worry that it is going undiagnosed in women because they believe there are only a few types, EDNOS is a type of eating disorder as it carries the traits of them.
I eat 1600-2100 calories, normally around 1900.
I Exercise, not religiously but I try to get in 4 sessions of 45 mins a week. I don’t purge from eating excessively, I just do it If I’ve realised “I didn’t need to eat that”.

I do feel awful If I eat badly or don’t exercise and yes my world feels like it’s collapsing if I F**K up and don’t workout and eat bad.I thought that was normal?  Normality isn’t that. It’s taking the step and saying no to the food before hand and if you slip up, you just take it, you learn from it and you don’t do it again.

Find out more about EDNOS here. Personal story about my EDNOS

This next bit is getting a bit more personal but I want to get it off my chest.

I mean sick,mentally..and physically I guess. My sister got married in 2013, I’d been ‘free’ from bulimia for a year at the point. However, I’d I fuelled the fire by wanting to be slim for my sisters wedding and hen night so it pushed me one peg too far and caused my Bulimic again the month before, for the hen night.
Over that month I’d gone down from 9st 11 to  9st 5 (from lack of food) not exercise.Here’s what happened to me before the wedding.

The hen night came up and remember spending weeks trying to find something that showed off my body, I wanted to impress and feel good about myself. That’s all I ever wanted.. The day before I managed to find an £8.50 tight black maxi-dress and felt amazing, no lumps or bumps sticking out and I had compliments coming from everywhere, aunts, cousins..strangers! I’d never felt that before as I’d been heavy my whole life, It was the best feeling in the world. 

The hen night started with an all you can eat buffet, We got ready at my aunts and took taxi’s to the venue, the one thing I remember from that night is the desert.

This photo makes me miserable to look at now, I know, I looked so happy. I guess in a way I was, I’d had compliments, I was with my family on a really happy occasion. I was happy right up until I realised I’d just stuffed 2,000 calories into my face, I was happy until I finished that bowl. So, I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I walked up the marble staircase to the ladies loos, the lighting was dim and it made the whole atmosphere awful, me walking up the staircase, the whole time hating what I was about to do. Hoping,praying no one would be in the toilets, no one would look at me and wonder what I was going to do…
No one would see me come out red faced, what would I say? Should I say I’m ill? or that I feel too warm? Should I flush first to create sound? No no, If they ask..I’ll just play the ‘drunk’ card.

All of this shouldn’t have weighed me down that night, It was my sisters Hen night for god sake.It did, though it made me feel awful, the bright pink frothy vomit from the ridiculously big bowl of ice cream was now staring right at me and I felt relieved and saddened, I’m back to this again. Wondering why I’d gotten myself into a place where food was no longer my friend.

We continued the night and I was fine after that, after all.. I was slim and food free, I didn’t need anything else, I sat in that comedy club,smiling at every joke trying to be part of the group but I was miserable.

My beautiful sister got ready at home, I helped her dress and do her hair we sipped champagne and had a good morning.. but this was 2 weeks after the hen night and I’d spent days gaining weight. I was now 9st 10 again and had been purging for 2 weeks straight! Id given myself;
fever,hot and cold flashes,
sensitivity to light,
achy bones,
bad breath,
terrible mood swings,
I was exhausted and I could barely focus…

I felt drunk for the whole day, I remained ‘stable’ until 4 pm after the ceremony, we gotten to the after venue and I’d tried to nap in the car. I really couldn’t stay awake, trust me I tried! I took my heels off as I couldn’t walk with them on anymore, the achy bones had gotten to me. We continued with the day, every step was exhausting but I smiled, for her.

I distinctly remember someone offering me flu tablets on the night time,they must’ve noticed I was in bad shape, so I took two. I can’t for the life of me remember who it was but I remember smiling as best I could at my mum who was dancing and trying to get me to dance. over the next year It was brought up that I was miserable that day and I should’ve tried harder, noone really knew why though.

So I scuttled away and sat down to the table and took the tablets, I continued to eat my curry and chips where I coughed so hard I was sick into my napkin.My body had the reflex to throw up when I jerked forward (from coughing). Everyone thought I had just coughed up from my ‘chesty cough’ I excused myself to the bathroom and splashed water on my face and braced myself for the long night a head….